Dear Brad from the gas station,
First of all, I should let you know that our friendship is on very thin ice. I thought we had a good thing going, I came into the store in the morning before class for a yellow gatorade and you charged me for it. I loved that. No where in our professional relationship was it stated that you were allowed to ruin my life. This morning you horrified me. I came into the gas station and much to my surprise, there was no yellow gatorade. That’s fine, I could’ve settled for orange, but then you said to me, “Oh, we have more in the back, I’ll go get one for you.” Words cannot describe my gratitude. I appreciated you going into the back to grab my favorite flavor. Little did I realize that what you would come back with was a store brand “sports tonic.”
First of all, how dare you? How dare you promise me a gatorade and then grab a store brand drink as if I wouldn’t realize the difference. Then when I questioned your judgement you insulted me further by saying, “Well it’s exactly the same thing.” Where do you get off thinking such crazy thoughts?! NO. No it is not exactly the same. Gatorade is its own special brand and you can’t substitute anything for it. Ugh. How dare you disrespect me! If you came into my house and asked me for a Poptart, I wouldn’t offer you a store brand toaster pastry and tell you it’s the same thing. That’s because I understand that it’s not. I have some pride when I grocery shop, unlike you.
So here’s the deal, Brad. You have one more chance. If I get to that gas station tomorrow and there is no yellow gatorade and you try to offer me the store brand “sports tonic”, I will rip off your ass and make you eat it. See you tomorrow.