Dear Fat Man in the Dirty Van,

Dear fat man in the dirty van,

Okay really?  REALLY?  I don’t even know where to start with you.  Here I am, enjoying my morning commute to school, listening to my ipod when I look over at your wife beater wearing self.  Yuck.  I don’t know when it became acceptable in this universe to wear a wife beater and nothing over it, but this has got to stop.  Come on, man, your fat was hanging out of the arm pits!  Did you buy your mirror from a carnival or do you seriously think you look hot?  Anyway, let’s move on.

First of all, I appreciated how you french kissed your hand and then stuck your head out the window and blew it to me. I also appreciate how you then started picking your nose when you thought I had looked back at the light.  That was really sexy.  And as if I thought it couldn’t get hotter, you then proceeded to make a “muscle” and stick it out the window to impress me. Then, as if that weren’t enough, you licked your arm as if that would turn me on further.  By the way, I should mention that I like how your tattoo that says “Jesus” on it is right beside your NIN tattoo.  That is a real class act.  But guess what?  Do you realize that when you licked your arm, you licked JESUS, our lord and savior, in order to hit on me?  You not only put your nasty spit on Jesus’ name, you used him in order to turn me on.  Also, let me tell you something about your “muscles”.  NEWS FLASH:  They aren’t muscles.  Just because you have big arms, that doesn’t mean you have muscles.  Big arms can also mean you are fat, which you are.  Pretty sure muscles don’t jiggle.

Aside from all of this, you took a really big risk hitting on someone who was wearing sunglasses.  I mean, for all you know, I could’ve been hideous.  You NEVER hit on someone wearing sunglasses because you don’t know what you’re getting into.  That’s just common knowledge right there.  I guess I shouldn’t expect you to know that considering you licked Jesus, so I’ll let that slide.  But come on, man, you don’t know that I’m hot.  My sunglasses were covering half of my face so you’re lucky I wasn’t into it because A. I hadn’t showered that morning and B. I neglected to put on any sort of makeup.  So, I guess I did you a favor by screaming and turning right.  I didn’t even have to TURN RIGHT.  I was late to class just for you and because of you.

So here’s the deal:  You don’t ruin my morning commute with your lust, and I won’t set your van on fire.  I think that’s fair.



P.S.  Wash your damn car.  You look like a kidnapper.

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