So I decided it was time I make a list of my goodest and baddest ideas. And yes, I know that you’re not supposed to say either of those words but guess what? I promised MeLissa and I’m a woman of my word.
1. Forever Puppies: Can we all agree that big dogs as puppies are one of the cutest things in the world besides kittens? Yes we can. So here’s the deal: I find someone science-y and together we figure out how to make golden retriever puppies STAY puppies. Or I will just pay them to figure out how to make a new breed of puppy and I’ll just take the credit. I guess mess with their hormones or something. And I know what you’re about to say: “Just get a small dog.” NO! Small dogs still have adult faces. I want a forever golden retriever puppy with the babiest face ever.
2. Acquire a baby hippo: this one goes along the same lines as Forever Puppies but it’s really just more for me. I want to take a baby pygmy hippo and have it be a baby FOREVER. I won’t sell those like I will the Forever Puppies because I’m just making one. I’ll just do exactly what you would think someone would do with a baby hippo: Put it in the bathtub. Dress it in a sailor outfit. Name it Jeremy.
3. Buying the Jackson 5’s greatest hits: I have played nothing else for 3 months.
4. Vodka gummy bears: MeLissa told me about this so Erin and I immediately researched it and bought 3 lbs of gummy bears. They are delicious and alcoholic. Dirty drunk bears.
5. Buying two large boxes of Handisnacks “Cheese and Breadsticks”: um. amazing. And it seems I can only find them at Walmart now. Kroger only sells their shitty off brand. I know this because I was searching for them there and when I couldn’t find them, I loudly exclaimed, “NO ONE WANTS ME TO BE HAPPY!” and this woman and her toddler glared at me. Clearly she knows nothing though because if she did, she’d know that there is a DISTINCT taste difference in the cheese between Handisnacks and shitty off brands. Idiot.
Okay, so I’ll only bore you with my top 5 goodest ideas. Now onto my top 5 baddest ideas:
1. Self tanner: Enough said.
2. Reading an article about children who are psychopaths: Here’s the thing–they look just like regular kids (sometimes amazingly cuter) except they’ve pushed a 3 year old into a pool just because they want to see someone drown.
3. Vodka gummy bears: You get to a point where you don’t even know how many bears you’ve had and you’re just in this weird/drunk/hyper mood which quickly turns into a sugar coma and you wake up with dog hair on EVERYTHING.
4. Buying Real McCoy’s greatest hits: This happened the same night I hung out with those drunk, dirty bears.
5. Putting my cat on a leash and taking him downtown: Adorable? YES. However, cats do not appreciate being put on leashes and he just ended up lying down on the sidewalk until I just carried him into a Baskin Robbins which pissed them off because it was gross and pissed Eddles off because it was cold.
Feel free to use any of my baddest ideas but I swear to God if you steal my Forever Puppies idea I will hire one of those psychopath kids to stalk you and make your demise look like an accident. Those kids are smart. If anyone can do it, they can.