Okay, so last year Jesus added me as a facebook friend. I’m pretty sure Jesus doesn’t have a facebook but on the off chance that he does, I really didn’t want to be the person that rejected Jesus as a facebook friend. That seems to me to be one of those things that is sure to bite you in the ass. You just can’t take that sort of thing back. It’s kind of like at the beginning of Beauty and the Beast when the prince rejected that old lady because she was unattractive but when she got all pretty, he’s like, “oh whoops!” and she’s like, “nope. you’re a beast now with a dying rose and a seeing mirror!” So yeah, definitely don’t want a situation like that, so if a haggard old lady adds me, I guess I have to accept her too. Anyway, this afternoon I was checking out his page because facebook told me to reconnect with him and now my 98% certainty that Jesus didn’t have a facebook went up to 99%…though I’m not taking him off because there’s still that 1%. I’ve included some screenshots:
This is why I’m 99% sure this isn’t the real Jesus:
1. Both of my parents are pastors and my sister is in seminary and no one ever told me that Jesus was born in 1978. He was only 11 years old when I was born. So either my family is withholding information from me because they hate me and want me to be ignorant or this isn’t really Jesus.
2. I see that Jesus attended a fraternity recruitment in 2008. In some ways that would make sense to me, because he is a brother to all, plus the ability to turn water into alcohol is an awesome party trick that would make someone a top candidate for a fraternity; however, Jesus isn’t turning anything into roofies so he’s not that useful to a fraternity.
3. Jesus attended someone else’s event and got tagged in their photos, but he didn’t come to MY birthday party? Please. If that was really Jesus,when he got the facebook invite to my party he would’ve DEFINITELY showed up and taken pictures with me. HELLO? I’m photogenic! So photogenic in fact that our picture would’ve been so good that he would’ve had to make it his profile picture. That’s right. Profile picture good.
4. While Jesus was not a native speaker of English, he was perfect so he would definitely know the difference between by, buy, and bye. I also don’t think he would be so enthusiastic about his religious views, because he was far from conceited.
5. Jesus would have more than 52 friends.
Though, as much logical thought as I have put into this, I am still not going to take him off of my friends list. It’s kind of like after I watch a Ghost Whisperer marathon and I’m like, “Okay there’s no such thing as ghosts but I’m still not going to go into an old, abandoned house and risk running into an old woman in a wheelchair who steals children’s souls because she beckoned the shadows into the house with her seances.” You know, you just can’t be too careful.