So I’ve been very busy with some important things since I last updated.
1. Searching for My Little Ponies on eBay. I miss my ponies and needed a fix. Though I’m afraid people think I might be a pedophile because not only do I like Justin Bieber (HE’S 18 OKAY?!) but I spent like 4 hours looking at ponies online. People are serious about this shit too. This is a description someone wrote about the My Little Ponies she sells:
My favorite sentence is when she tells you she’d be happy to smell any of the ponies if they come from a less than desirable home. I wonder if they do the same thing for foster kids when they’re selling those.
2. I finally realized that panda bears probably smell really bad.
3. I saw the Velveteen Rabbit in my driveway. The real life one. And I know it was him because he didn’t move when I pulled my car up, he just stared at me.
4. I decided that beluga whales are the neediest, most desperate animals and you would not want them as a friend.
Look at this photo. If you don’t look at this and visualize him saying, “Oh. Hey. Did you say something about going to lunch? I know you didn’t invite me but I mean, I love lunch. I’ve been working on some new jokes. Want to hear them? I swam all the way from the Arctic to see you. I know you said your phone is broken every day and that’s why you never answer but I am pretty handy with phones if you want me to take a look at it. Also, I uh, noticed you hadn’t accepted my friend request yet. Every time I look it says ‘Request pending’. But I did see that you’ve been changing your profile picture and that you’ve been adding other friends. No worries, I’m sure you’re really busy,” then you’re an idiot.
5. I saw “The Amazing Spiderman.” Well, I tried to but these 14 year old girls were sitting next to me and talking through the ENTIRE thing. One of them was texting but still wanted to know what was going on so the other one would loudly explain what had just happened.
Girl 1: “Wait, who is that guy? Which guy is that?” Girl 2: “That’s Spiderman’s uncle. He’s going to be dead later.” Girl 1: “Omgaaaah.”
It took everything within me not to lean over and say, “Excuse me. First of all, do you know your shapes? Great. Okay you see that rectangle at the front of the room? That’s a MOVIE and I see that you’re not overly invested in it but I am trying to be and someone keeps distracting me. I get it, it’s great that Jared texted you. Oh, how do I know about that? Only because you’ve been discussing it louder than God beside me. So here’s what we’re going to do: You can either shut up or you can go shoot yourself. It’s up to you. Those are your options.”
6. I was in one of my best friend’s weddings and spent the entirety of the time making up “what if” situations about how I could ruin her wedding, telling her I was going to walk down the aisle like a Tennessee walking horse, and invading everyone’s personal space on the dance floor.
7. I discovered I can dance and eat an apple at the same time.
8. I caught a raccoon in the act of eating garbage on top of a dumpster.
So as you can see I’ve had a super busy and important month. It’s okay if you haven’t, mine was enough for the both of us.