Love Always, Lauren

So Rob found a note crumpled up in the parking lot of his apartment complex to a guy named Will from someone named Lauren.  This note had obviously been taped on someone’s door because there was still tape all over it and then Will had rolled it up and discarded it into the wet grass.  I am so unbelievably excited that this Will character would do such a thing, as this note has produced endless joy for me.  It has not been out of my possession since Thursday.  Anyway, when I figure out how to use my scanner (a ridiculous story in itself), I fully intend on posting the actual note onto the page, to prove that it’s real, but until then, I will type it verbatim, lack of punctuation, misspellings, everything.  Fortunately for me, Lauren numbered each page so I wouldn’t get lost.  Here goes:

Page 1

“Hey Will,

I drove 2 ur house after I got off work 2 see if u wanted 2 drink with me.  Ur car was there, but u didn’t answer.  I watched a movie drank and wanted 2 see u.  U weren’t there.  I tried 2 see if u were at Fedex or the liquor store but I couldn’t find u.  I had a barbacue at my job and I wanted u 2 come but I couldn’t call u and tell u.  I can’t call u after work and tell u how my day was or ask u about ur’s like usual.

Page 2

It finally hit me that u don’t want 2 give me your number because u don’t want 2.  I don’t blame u I’m a piece of shit.  I’m gonna miss u so much it hurts.  I loved u so much.  I fucked it up, I understand why u don’t want contact with me. But today I couldn’t call u, ask 2 see u, or anything, and I get it.  I can’t just be friends but I’m sure u don’t want 2 be lover’s anymore so that’s left me with the fact. U don’t want me 2 call u ok.

Page 3

I will stop looking 4 u and knocking on ur door I don’t want 2 bother u anymore. Maybe u were just being nice hanging out with me thank u I love when ur around.  But I get the hint I’ll leave u alone I hate driving around  town looking 4 u and missing u, and u don’t even want me 2 have ur number. I’m sorry and u were my best friend.

Love always,



Oh my shit, Lauren, where in the hell do I start with you?  I am legitimately overwhelmed because there is so much to ridicule in your note.  I kind of feel guilty for posting this because I’m afraid Metro schools will lose all of their funding.  Geez Lauren, do you not think of anyone but yourself?!

Ugh.  Lauren, I feel like the entirety of your relationship with Will was centered around drinking.  You’ve kind of confused me as to the sequence of events, but let me see if I’ve got this right.  You got off of work and drove all the way to Will’s apartment because you wanted to drink with him.  Will was not there and you couldn’t ask where he was because he refuses to give you his phone number, yet you know where he lives and what he drives?  So you knock on the door and he doesn’t answer, even though his car is there.

You go home and watch a movie and proceed to get drunk, which I might add, I’m kind of surprised with all the detail you are offering that we don’t know what movie you watched.  After you get drunk, you then think to yourself, “Where might Will be? His car is at home, but no one answered, but he couldn’t possibly be ignoring me, so since I’m already inebriated, let me go to Fedex and see if he’s there.”  So you drive drunk to Fedex and then when he’s not there, you drive to the liquor store.  He’s also not there and we all know there is only ONE fedex and ONE liquor store in Nashville.

I wish I knew you in person rather than paper, because I could’ve helped you.  Once when I was four and living in Mississippi, I got separated from my mom in the Walmart.  Well, logically, I hitched a ride to Nashville and went to the one Fedex and when she wasn’t there, I proceeded to go to the one liquor store in Nashville, when she wasn’t THERE either, I hitched a ride back to Ripley and found my mom in shampoo aisle.  Obviously if you weren’t such a drunk tramp, you’d have known what to do.

But that’s okay, no one’s mad at you, except for Will.  I noticed that you mentioned that you used to be able to call him after work and ask about his day, and tell him about yours.  So it seems that it’s not just that Will won’t give you his phone number, he’s clearly changed it because of you.  I admire your persistence though, you should be a lawyer.  If someone changed their number because I was a stalking skank and wouldn’t give it to me, then obviously  I would get drunk, drive to their apartment, drive around town, and then drive BACK to their apartment to leave a three page note.  Are you going to lie about being pregnant next?  Let’s hope so.  Maybe then you’d get his phone number.

I think it’s a little far fetched of you to assume that he doesn’t want to give you his phone number because he doesn’t want to.  Not only is that too deep for me to fully comprehend, it simply doesn’t make sense.  Why would someone not do something because they don’t want to do it?  Don’t be an idiotic stalker slut.  I don’t know why you’re going to stop driving around town looking for him.  He’s obviously into you, he’s just playing hard to get.  Keep trying so that Will can discard more notes for Rob to find.  For every gallon of wasted gas, reams of wasted paper, and DUIs, you are just one step closer to getting your best friend back.

By the way, a friend of mine is having surgery and I wanted to send her a care package.  If I left it in the parking lot, would you mind dropping it off at Fedex for me?  I’ll leave you a handle of Jack for your trouble.

Love always,


P.S.  I like how you put an apostrophe in the word “lover’s”  Things that are plural always need an apostrophe, people just don’t recognize it.  Good girl.

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