So my siblings and I went to see the midnight showing of Harry Potter the other night and this little 13 year old boy named Logan sits next to me and starts chattering at me like a magpie. He opens with, “I know a joke about Parkinson’s disease but I’m not going to tell you because it’s bad.” Okay? As opposed to a GOOD joke about parkinson’s? What exactly would that be? And I mean, are we talking about bad as in “that’s so wrong” or bad as in, “Michael j. Fox was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease and wrote some books and maybe will be cured by stem cell research someday…” I just think people should be more specific.
Anyway, then his aunt, who is like 15 years old, gets into the conversation by leaning over and saying to me, “Hey girl, if he starts bothering you, just hit him.” I was like, “Um, pretty sure that’s a felony and I am not going to jail on Harry Potter night.” to which she replies, “Ah, he’s 13, he can handle it…it’ll be okay.” I wasn’t aware that there was an appropriate age in society for when you could hit someone. I wasn’t even using the open arm rest in between us for fear of accidentally brushing into him and getting kid germs so I’m certainly not going to slap the shit out of him with my bare hand. I don’t think she was even supposed to be telling people he was 13 because he told me that his mother made him pretend to be 12 because she refused to pay for an adult ticket for him.
At this point, his mother and sister sit down. Well, as Logan keeps talking to me, despite my polite cues that I am done with the conversation, his mother keeps giving me a dirty look like I’M a pervert. Okay, first of all, lady, your outfit is so revealing you might as well have not worn anything at all so don’t look at me like I’M the pervert. Secondly, I have a rule in life that I never start conversations with children that I do not know. When you’re a 24 year old woman at a midnight Harry potter premiere, the absolute last thing you’re going to do is willingly strike up a conversation with a strange 13 year old. That’s the first step to being falsely accused as some sort of offender, having to introduce yourself to your entire neighborhood and keep your porch lights off at Halloween so no one comes within 10 feet of your door. So yeah, don’t look at me like I’m not keeping my creepiness in check. I may have over 300 pictures of my cats but I’m no Mary Kay Letourneau.
Anyway, Logan begins talking to his sister about some other show they have 2 tickets to and he says, “Oh great, so me and mom can go…or you and me can go.” and his sister says, “Or me and mom can go.” apparently this was the wrong thing to say because Logan looks at her and coldly says, “If you leave me alone in the house, I will tear it to ruins. I will TEAR IT TO RUINS.” Well shit, that little psycho is serious. He’s gonna write bad jokes about Parkinson’s disease on the wall and then burn the place to the ground all because he’s been left alone. Usually I just watch Netflix or something when I’m alone, but I guess his method works too.
Finally, as the movie starts, I look at my siblings and say, “What are we seeing again?” and they politely laugh because it really wasn’t funny. Minutes pass and I feel a hard poke in my ribs and Logan loudly whispers, “Wait, do you really not know? Was that a serious question? Because we’re seeing Harry Potter…” nope, I just got on fandango a month in advance and ordered 3 tickets to a random movie and then waited in line with people dressed as owls and house elves just because i wanted to surprise myself.
On the plus side, I now see why 13 is the appropriate age to hit someone.