So I needed a while to recover from reliving the horrors of going to a buffet on steak night. Anyway, so a friend of mine had briefly met Idiot #2 at a party and had gotten his number because she decided in her drunken state that this guy and I were made for each other. So really, this date is kind of my fault because I trusted her inebriated judgment and agreed to go on this blind date. Fortunately for me, he chose a Mexican restaurant close to my apartment and we met there so escaping was a viable option.
So I have barely gotten settled in my chair, when Idiot #2 says: “Just FYI, I got arrested this summer so I have a pending court date. But it wasn’t my fault. See here’s the thing: my buddy got some really good weed from this chick he was banging, she was like from Florida or Mexico or something. Anyway so like we’re gonna smoke it, you know? But then I realized I’d left my bowl at my other buddy’s house and we weren’t speaking because he punched me the other night when we were wasted. Like I almost fell in the bonfire so obviously I’m not going to speak to him. Anyway, so like I’m not gonna roll a joint because I didn’t have papers and besides my fingers are too big to tightly roll one. So like, we decide to drive to that gas station in Smyrna that those Indians run because they sell bowls. Well, they have to say glass pipe but we know what’s up. Right? So like we get the bowl and we’re heading back and my friend gets pulled over for speeding. Well, wouldn’t you know they had the drug dogs with them?! So of course they sniff it out and like because the bag was within my arm’s reach I get charged with possession as well! And it wasn’t even my bag of weed! And I mean, my friend drives a mustang, have you ever seen one of those?! EVERYTHING IS WITHIN ARM’S REACH IN A MUSTANG WHEN YOUR ARMS ARE AS MUSCULAR AND LONG AS MINE. So I get arrested because of my friend’s mistake! I just thought you should know.
Me: “Okay so let me get this straight: your friend gets some marijuana from this Floridian or Mexican and so you have plans to smoke this weed. So you go to the store and buy a ‘glass pipe’. Your friend then gets pulled over and you both get arrested for possession of the marijuana that you both intended to smoke and for the paraphernalia that you had bought with which to smoke it. And so you feel you have been treated unjustly because your arms are long and mustangs aren’t very spacious. Okay, so I see why this would not be your fault. Completely.”
Idiot #2: “YES. okay thank you! I knew not all women with big boobs were stupid!”
Me: “And I knew all men with mustangs and pending court dates weren’t trailer trash.”
He then spends the rest of the date cutting me off whenever I tried to answer a question that he asked and when it came time for the bill, he asks for a menu to look over the prices again and then states, “well, what you got wasn’t that expensive so I guess I could pay for it.”
As we’re leaving he gives me a hug and goes,”wow! This really wasn’t as terrible as I was expecting!”