So does anyone else have ridiculously weird dreams? Because I do. And an odd number of them have been about sea lions, which kind of concerns me because I don’t even like sea lions and I hear that dreams are your subconscious trying to tell you something and maybe I’m supposed to like sea lions, except these sea lions suck, so I still hate them. This is my most memorable sea lion dream:
My family and I rented a beach house for the summer except the beach was in Cleveland, Mississippi, which is actually in the delta. Anyway, so in this beach house there is a giant fish tank and I get this strange fascination with the fish tank. I spent hours and hours staring at that tank. Well then out of nowhere, this sea lion cub who was in the tank for some reason manages to slip out, and he definitely wasn’t a cute sea lion. He looked scary like those sea lions in Happy Feet, except he was tiny. Also he kind of moved around like Goo from Gumby except he definitely wasn’t a mermaid that flew and spit goo balls. Anyway, so this sea lion gets out and starts moving toward me and is biting and biting at me so I try to run away. Well, that turns out to be impossible because this sea lion is ridiculously fast, so then it begins to bite me and my family relentlessly and you can shake and shake your leg and it won’t get off because it latches on and just bites.
So I call animal control and they’re like, “Oh no, sorry we can’t be there until 6 pm tomorrow morning” and I’m like, “Well the sea lion cub is going from each of my family members and taking turns biting and biting us and we can’t even shut a door on him because he is way too fast for us, so he’s just following us everywhere!” and the guy is like, “well i’m really sorry you’re going to have to hold on until tomorrow.” so I have finally had enough so I grabbed that sea lion cub and I threw it on the ground really hard and broke its hand (yes, its hand) and when the animal control guy overhears this he suddenly has time for us and rushes over to the house to collect the cub. Well, when he gets there he starts lecturing me and looking at me like I’m the world’s worst person because I broke a really bad sea lion cub’s hand (again, yes, hand) and so I get in his face and I’m like, “NO! NO. You don’t look at me like I’m a bitch, because he may be a cub but he is VERY aware of how he’s treating people!”
Because he was. Bitch ass cub.